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I never thought in a million years I’d be here.

As a kid I spent hours imagining my own fairy tale romance without a hint in my mind that that perhaps the stars might align against me and perhaps my dream would not come to pass.

I used to make fun of girls like me. I’d question how they’d ever let themselves get to the point of engagement and let everything fall apart despite any effort or attempt they may or may not make to save the relationship. I’ve had to realize that sometimes, most of the time, life isn’t about you.  Despite your best efforts, you can’t control your own fate. Sometimes you must to face the music – amidst the pain – and keep walking forward one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

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Instead of heading to what would have been my wedding, I returned to Florida just before Christmas with my raw, exposed heart in my hands and the need to do something impulsive. I highlighted my hair, bought a plane ticket to L.A. and rescued a kitten thinking these would somehow quench my need for escape.  I returned to NYC with a gnawing at the back of my soul that I didn’t want to acknowledge because words have power…until now:

  1. Staying in NYC will be painful, difficult, and complicated, but it’s necessary. I must be refined and confront my fear.
  2. I need to tie myself to this place no matter how long or short my stay might be.

Two months later these resolutions haven’t left my mind, but I’ve been too afraid to name them. Two months later, I’m now resolute to turn away from any thought of running towards a shiny new adventure and turn to my beautiful beaming city. I strive to put down roots, deep and strong as they can grow in this city and in my community.  I may not have a man to ground me to this place anymore, but he’s never been the only thing that could. I am here for the long haul, whether that is 3, 5, or 20 more years. It’s my firm conviction and hope to tether myself to this city however and in whatever way I can.

Mine, O thou lord of life, send my roots rain.
-GM Hopkins

I hope that during the hard days to come you can remind me of my conviction to stay.